Hiatus

Okay...I need to stop this. I need a break. I’ve gotten sort of fixated on this whole situation and it needs to stop now. I need to accept that Allie’s going to be busy. I need to accept that Jane’s part of her life now but I refuse to think of her as Allie’s daughter. I caught myself mapping out the trip to Allie’s house. I still don’t have my full driver’s license, and we haven’t even made plans to meet. I’m not going to break the law, and I’m not going to barge into her house. I need to stop staring at Jane’s picture. There are these little hateful whispers in my head shrieking at her, telling me that she’s not human, and that’s probably true not right. Not right at all, Jane’s just a little girl and I-

I’ve been focusing my frustration about Allie being busy on her. Like it’s her fault. Like she can help the fact that she’s a child who needs to be looked after properly. I’m becoming my mother 

I refuse to let this continue. I will never end up like her. Never. 

I have....I have an art project for school to work on anyways. It’s painting. It’s going to take a long time, and I’m going to take a break from this until it’s done. I’ll stop pestering Allie. 

When the painting’s done, I can show her. She’ll probably have more free time then, right?

Heh. Who knows, maybe I’ll even post a picture here if it turns out well.

Until next time.

Want You Back

I don’t think I can deal with this. She’s getting worse and worse, working longer, coming home later, more tired, more angry, taking out her anger on me. And I’m trying really, really hard to stay positive on the inside, to not agree with the things she says to me, about me. I keep telling myself that I’m not a failure. That I’m not friendless, that I’m not going to end up alone just like her.

But it’s hard on my own. Allie barely comes online, and when she does it feels distant. I know Allie’s busy now, and I know she’s got her own life. I know this, but it hurts to read our old conversations, our old jokes and rambles. I see how she used to really be there to hold my head up late at night, and I click away from the History tab to watch our new conversations numbly, mostly full of empty spaces and long pauses before quick, single-sentence responses.

Until I ask about Jane. Allie comes to life about Jane. She really loves her ugly daughter, I guess. That’s the way it should be. 

And I feel so selfish for saying this, but I miss Allie. I miss her support, I miss her time, I miss her attention. I miss her love. There’s none left over for me, Jane’s taken it all. Some misshapen little girl comes from literally out of nowhere (I haven’t even seen the adoption papers; doesn’t it take a long time to fill those out? Why didn’t Allie tell me she was getting Jane sooner, I could have prepared for this) and now Allie doesn’t have time for me.

I want my real mom back...

Miss You

It was bad today. 

She came home late, didn’t like what I’d made for dinner. I tried to deal with it; I apologized, promised I’d do better next time. I managed to ignore her not-so-quiet barbs and japes for a while; Supernatural was on tonight. I’d been up to date with every episode so far, and I figured she’d get bored of insulting me, and let me watch in peace.

But of course, that didn’t happen. She decided she wanted to watch some stupid show about house wives, and I forgot that her whims take precedence over my wishes. I also forgot where arguing gets me. Long story short, I missed the episode, and my eyes hurt from rubbing. 

It shouldn’t really mean anything. It’s just a show...

a show i started watching a long time ago with my dad

I really didn’t want to think about him but now I can’t stop I guess. Why did he leave me with her, he knows she’s crazy that’s probably why he left. 

Allie wasn’t online. That’s fine, right? That’s totally fine, Allie’s busy, busy with her daughter. I looked at the picture she’d sent of her and Jane together, tried to think of them and feel happy. But that didn’t work. I’m so tired and so stressed and my eyes hurt and that picture looks really weird now. Something about Jane’s mouth...her teeth seem off that’s what it is. And her eyes seem dark and sunken in, her face just looks weird in general okay. 

Jane’s not pretty anymore, she’s not even cute. So why does she get the best mom in the world and I don’t even get to talk to Allie anymore-

ugh I shouldn’t be posting this late I’m being stupid and emotional

Drifting Away

No, mother, I don’t want to go shopping with you. No, it isn’t because I’m busy. No, it isn’t because I’m selfish spoiled brat. You wanted to do something after, maybe? Hah. No, there really isn’t anything to do out there that’s worth enduring your passive-aggressive insults. Let’s call them what they are, shall we? You tell me that you’re only trying to help me afterwards; I don’t need that kind of help.

It’s nice and quiet in my room. Music really helps me get in the zone to paint. It’s kind of...it’s like letting go, almost. I don’t really know how to describe it. I’m alone, and there’s nothing else out there but the music, the canvas, and whatever colours I’m filling it with. 

It seems like Allie’s getting busier and busier. Parenting must be tiring her out, she’s not very in-tune with what I’m feeling, like she usually is. That’s perfectly fine though, I’m not bothered. I understand. It takes energy to be such an awesome mom; Allie tried to cheer me up by telling stories about Jane. It’s almost like a fixation. 

But hey, that’s probably how a mom should be, right? Concerned for her kid. Paying attention, looking out for them, cherishing every moment.

i just kind of wish i could be jane

Busy

She was screaming at someone on the phone when I went downstairs to watch TV. She was screaming at someone on the phone, and I didn’t want to be there. I left, and then she came upstairs to scream at me for leaving while we were “having family time”. We don’t spend time as a family, we don’t even have a family anymore. That didn’t seem to matter, though.

I’m painting something now. I don’t know what it is yet. It’s dark and messy and violent and it looks how I feel. 

Allie seemed sort of...out of it, when I tried to talk to her. Jane must be keeping her plenty busy. I don’t want to add to her stress. I didn’t tell her about the screaming. She spent so much time talking about Jane, excited and happy. Allie deserves to be happy, right? I’m glad she’s happy.

I’ll talk to her when she’s less preoccupied.

Creating Again

Today, my mother got home late. One of her favourite hobbies is to attempt what she thinks passes for concern, which usually means picking apart my failings. Tonight’s focus was why I’m always home so damn early, don’t I have extra-curricular activities for Chrissakes? 

But...but instead of letting her get to me, I decided to do something. To distract myself, like Allie said. So, I decided to start painting again. I’m not very good, or anything, but I used to do it a lot. School’s just been so overwhelming lately, I haven’t had much of a chance to pick up a brush. But today, I opened my paints and found that some haven’t dried up yet.

It felt good to make something again. Allie started chatting me just as I finished up with the canvas (I really need to buy some more). She sent me a picture of her and Jane; they’re so adorable, Allie seems really happy! There was a bit of blurring and distortion though, so I’m not going to post it. The internet connection probably messed with the file as it was sent, it’s pretty bad on my end. 

I’m sure Allie will send me another one, hopefully it’ll turn out better so I can post it here.

So...today was a good day.

Recovering

My mother’s calmed down, for now. Finally. It’s a good thing work tires her out. It was rough for a while, but I made it, with Allie’s help; she talked me through it. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her, I said before how she’d be an excellent mom.

And, ah, she’s finally going to be one! She’s been talking about adopting for a while now,  and she finally filled out the paperwork and set everything in order. Allie’s adopted a little girl, Jane. She’s really excited about it...She’s always making me feel better, so it’s it’s really nice to see her happy. 

Allie actually invited me over to her place to see Jane. She lives four hours away, and I can’t drive on highways just yet, since I don’t have my full license. She said that it’s fine though; we’re meet as soon as I get my full license! 

Today turned out alright after all.