Saved

I think I could’ve died today. 

It was a long, long day, fourth period stretched on and on, and all I could do was look at the number scribbled in red on the test that’d just been handed back to me. I left and rode the bus in total silence, feeling numb. I knew what was coming. I didn’t even entertain fantasies that everything would be fine when I got home. This was the fourth test in a row I’d fucked up. The fourth disappointment, even after all that time and money spent with the tutor...I knew what I was in for. 

I just wasn’t ready for it.

She started up quietly, berating me in an almost gentle tone. She got louder, and louder, and grew angrier, and angrier, until she pushed everything off the coffee table in one violent rush. I couldn’t handle it. I ran upstairs, her shouts still ringing in my ears. Maybe I should’ve been stronger. Maybe I should’ve been able to take it, but...but deep down, I felt everything she was saying was right. Mother knows best, right? So I sat on the cold, tiled floor of the washroom for a good long while, crying and trying to will myself to push the little pocket knife blade deeper into my wrists. I didn’t want another mark. I wanted out. I wanted out so badly it hurt. 

But then my phone buzzed, and I could see Allie’s name on the lock screen through the tears.

Allie: Hey Paula!

Allie: Is everything ok? You’re usually on by now.

Allie: Honey, I’m worried, could you respond as soon as you can?

Allie: Please?

So the pocket knife clattered to the floor, and tried uselessly to wipe my eyes and stop sniffling as I opened the Chat application.

You: hi

Allie: Paula! Sorry for bothering you. 

You: it’s fine

Allie: Is everything alright? You were getting that test back today, yes?

Allie: How’d you-

You: i failed

Allie: Oh, honey...That sucks.

You: i fucked up

You: i’m a failure

You: mother’s so pissed and she’s right, i just wasted everyone’s time

You: i should just-

Allie: You’re not a failure, and you’re not a waste of time.

Allie: I know you tried really hard on that test. You did all the homework, you went to the tutor’s, you did the after-school prep.

Allie: You did all that you could have done.

--Allie hugs.--

Allie: It’s fine. You can always try again next time, and if you don’t get it, well, then maybe math just isn’t your thing. And that’s fine! Everyone struggles with something.

After hearing her say all that, after hearing how much she cared...how could I have done it? I feel so loved when she talks to me. I feel like it’s fine to be me, fine to actually come outside of my shell. Eventually, we got to talking, and I forgot all about my mother’s yelling. Allie’s everything my mother should’ve been; understanding, caring, always there to listen...

So, yeah. I...I don’t know what I would’ve done today without her.