Want You Back

I don’t think I can deal with this. She’s getting worse and worse, working longer, coming home later, more tired, more angry, taking out her anger on me. And I’m trying really, really hard to stay positive on the inside, to not agree with the things she says to me, about me. I keep telling myself that I’m not a failure. That I’m not friendless, that I’m not going to end up alone just like her.

But it’s hard on my own. Allie barely comes online, and when she does it feels distant. I know Allie’s busy now, and I know she’s got her own life. I know this, but it hurts to read our old conversations, our old jokes and rambles. I see how she used to really be there to hold my head up late at night, and I click away from the History tab to watch our new conversations numbly, mostly full of empty spaces and long pauses before quick, single-sentence responses.

Until I ask about Jane. Allie comes to life about Jane. She really loves her ugly daughter, I guess. That’s the way it should be. 

And I feel so selfish for saying this, but I miss Allie. I miss her support, I miss her time, I miss her attention. I miss her love. There’s none left over for me, Jane’s taken it all. Some misshapen little girl comes from literally out of nowhere (I haven’t even seen the adoption papers; doesn’t it take a long time to fill those out? Why didn’t Allie tell me she was getting Jane sooner, I could have prepared for this) and now Allie doesn’t have time for me.

I want my real mom back...